Life goes on...

So in my first post I mentioned that in December I had a miscarriage.  I really hope to never experience that again, and to this day many people don't know I had one.  But I wanted to just put it out there because, frankly I'm tired of dodging posts and questions about it.

I had it right before my birthday, in fact, the last day of my bleeding/spotting was my birthday.  OMG I was a mess.  I am so thankful that I had my husband, sister, mom, dad, Angela, Amanda, Deb, Candace and Amie.  I am really lucky to have had their support and that they didn't mind listening to me babble on and on about it. It really was the most intense emotional pain I had ever experienced in my life and I hope to never experience it again.  It was also comforting to hear that some of them had also gone through what I had just experienced.  Knowing that I wasn't alone in my pain gave me some comfort and I was able to push through and move forward knowing that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe my reason is because I am supposed to graduate (finally!) this year with my BS in Psychology with a minor in Biology.  Maybe my reason is to dedicate this time entirely to Zackary.  Maybe it's because Jason would have been gone the entire pregnancy and birth and not be home until the kid was well over 3 months.  Maybe he is supposed to be home for the whole pregnancy and birth like he was with Zackary.  Who knows?  In any case, I have come to terms with it.  I look forward to getting to work on that task as soon as he returns from deployment.  Ha Ha!  Hopefully it won't be long before we are pregnant again.  I really want Zackary to be a big brother, even if it is a seven year age gap!  I have names picked out for when the times comes.  I think that is one of the things that will make the time go by so sloooooooooow!  I am hoping it doesn't drag on!  That would be torture!  I'm tempted to make my own port call to see him!  But only if it was guaranteed to be around a time that I would be ovulating.  I know, silly, right?

Anyway, well, I'm glad that I got most of what I wanted to express off my chest.  Something like this can be so hard to express into words.  When it happened I couldn't even speak.  I'm glad that my husband understood and helped me through the grieving process as much as a person could, especially since he was grieving as well.  I will always respect Jason for the love and unconditional support he gave me at the worst time in my life.  I love him for everything he did to help me get through it.  I am thankful for my sister sitting with me and watching tv while I bled, for Amie and her boys for dropping off the flowers to make me smile, for Deb, Angela, Candace and Amanda for talking to me and letting me cry.  I am thankful for my parents, who also grieved with us.  I love them for everything they did and didn't have to do, for just being my friend, and doing what best friends should do...being there for be.

Until I have another one, I am content to play with my friend's babies.  RJ and Kira are my faves.  They are the sweetest little babies since my Zackary.  I love to see them smile and discover new things.  I thank Kari and Nic for letting me love her, and Bobby and Carolyn for letting me love RJ.  While some may think that it would make it worse, it doesn't.  I think it's because I could never hate my true friends for having a baby because I couldn't.  Everyone should be blessed with the joy of having a child to love and care for, and those two couples are absolutely wonderful parents and I know that those babies are two of the luckiest kids in the world.  I love that both couples have been here for me since Jason left and I know I can call them up if I ever need anything.  I'm babbling now, I feel.  But I just had to get that out.

All in all, while I know what I went through was tragic, I know something good is on the way.  I feel lucky to have Zackary.  I have a wonderful life, a loving husband, a beautiful son, a fabulous sister and fabulous parents, and fantastic friends.  And, Melanie, you will be buying me that Coach diaper bag someday!  I promise!  :)  Good night!